Afternoon Style Mongers. Admit was riveted to The Apprentice the other night. The whole thing. Much appeal comes from watching an old Cockney Herbert hustler be utterly vile, blunt and militant to a phalanx of pillocks. What’s not to love there? Other questions are thrown up. Where do they recruit such idiots from? Have the competitors never seen how badly predecessors came over, or did they think that was perhaps positive? This is one TV production stitch-up am in approval of. Its almost a public service exposure of this level of mug-ishness. Their lingua franca is like a point by point guide of what not to say anywhere, never mind in business. There are other important errors flagged up, not least in the sartorial department.

Robert Goodwink

Pocket square ubiquity has reached epidemic pedestrian levels, and this joker-showcase proves it. If they’re banging them out in Burton/Topman and this lot are snapping them up, its time to move on, no? This lot seem to favour big sateen affairs deployed in manner of napkins on a Newport wedding dinner table setting. Am guilty of pushing pocket fancies myself, big time, and I’ll even drop one now and then, but its time to swerve the pocket flourish on whole, or drop altogether, right? At least Bobby G didn’t do both buttons up, like Bullet Cartwright below, who got the first bullet from Suralan. Full-buttoning is the mark of the sartorial savage.

Chiles Cartwright.

Cartwright’s solid-pewter suit could not save him from the show’s signature seat-belted exit. Hate the seat belt scenes. Back seat seat-belts are totes humiliating. I’d refuse on this element alone. They should sack all full buttoning belt merchants in episode one and have done. “Your poor huddled masses, let’s club ‘em to death and get it over with and just dump ‘em on the boulevard” to quote dearest Lou.

Caviar Bolognaro.

Then there’s the house of Windsor. Here’s the rule on Windsor knots. They are never okay. They’re so, so white goods-retail-management-Nokia-ringtone-esque. No offence the John Lewis Massive, but am talking bout you.

Steven Umgowa.

Then there’s tie bars: Tie hardware of choice for a nation of Alpha-bellends. I’ve got couple. I wore them ’bout 12 years ago. I hold my hands up, but that was before most style men had even got their head round wearing tailoring, let alone fabrics that weren’t grey/navy wool. If anyone wants my tie bars they need to write me a nice Haiku poem about why Madmen is fuckery for dullards, send a SAE and they can have ‘em. More Windsor from the insane-Canadian Steven, who I actually liked for being both so mental and camp at same time: Hil-fucking-aire.

Solero Acupuncture.

The Apprentice ties are all made from glistening sateen effect cast aluminium, like some sort of Jeff Koon’s pieces, and demonstrate quite explicitly what I was banging on about with the help of Patrick Grant and his E.Tautz ties in HowToSpunkIt last Friday (click). Shiny, silky ties are for people who would go on The Apprentice. Case rested.

Daniel Mango-Half -Sugar Lassi.

Dan’s double-buttoned and he hasn’t fastened his tie properly to the top. Does it matter? Prob’ not. But a tie is a statement of discipline. Its forcing the fabric to do what you want and to stay put against its will, demonstrating man’s mastery over it. Lassi is slipping. These men are all getting caught slipping on TV. Maybe they never weren’t slipping. Who knows,  but there’s more stuff that’s so wrong. I could go on. But I’ve simply gotta go out and meet a Windsor knot about a new dishwasher.

Stubbs out.

PS. Matching napkin to tie isn’t the dapper ticket either. As for belts with suits, what more can I say but “have you been to a Harvester before?”

Jimmy Hill.


Morning Style Mongers. “And what will happen in the morning when the world it gets so crowded that you can’t look out the window in the morning?” Listen to Nick while we catch up, yeah? Excuse the delay, but fed up with looking at those ties. So not Monday morning.

Can barely get enough Nick Drake down me at the moment. Got heartily mocked for describing him as ‘So gentle’ by The Shoreditch Schneider. Might stick to my guns on this one.

Stubbs out.


Morning Style Merchants. Am prepping something on the Apprentice Pillocks pony style stances, but it’s taking a while and all sorts of other style stuff is kicking off. Till then, hoping this tie-curtain tides you lot over. This is some of the best of the ties of the world that I mentioned in Das Sharpenoid column yesterday (click), by E.Tautz and Drakes.

Ties with heft and attitude by Tautz and Drakes.

The Paragons might will certainly help. Who is that girl that appears at 1 minute 25? Who? She, is, amazing. Reminds me of something about women and ties that once crossed my mind (click). Just a thought.

Stubbs out.


Morning Style Mongers. The name Jodhpur was taken from a dyslexic polo loving Raj who liked to dress in a more sporty version of full equine drag. The style-visionary recognised the value of superior sporting footwear worn in a non-competitive arena. My Das Sharpenoid column in How To Spunk It at zi veekend was roughly all about this (click). Sports training shoes are for pedestrians of The Metropolis. Jodhpur boots are for the high-striding puddle-vaulting tight-pant-wearing style-merchants who know, no?

Corthay Jodhpur boots (click).

Wore jodhpur boots against the rain to meet Charlie Casely-Hayford yesterday to drop an order for Matey Off The Telly, let ya know how they pan out by am doppio-optimistic. Yes, its that time again. The XFactoid is here, so it simply must be Autumn. Joe C-H styled/designed for the Clash I remembered on my way to Hostem, epicentre of Redchurch Shakerism Hip, while listening to Rudie Cant Fail. (Imagine the beard/hat get ups of the Hostem/Redchurch Massive teamed with jodhpurs, yeah? Just a thought). Regardless, it might well be time get your jodhpurs (boots) on, men. They’re looking right for the seasonal onslaught. And it is a culture-less assault that awaits us from XF weekend nights. When I say us, I mean, well, me.  Am about to embark on a full- half decade of Fountain Studio/XF runs, ffs. Its just so Real Around The Fountain (click).

Saturday, here come the next parade of hapless, desperate try-hards. When it comes to originality and excitement, you can try you luck brothers, but I guarantee that it aint your day. This lot however, cant fail..

Stubbs out.

&, YEAH?

Evening Style Merchants. Went to the Modern Toss book launch exhibition, A Decade In The Shithouse (click) on Thursday. Thats a day late. It’s at The Forge, Cymon Eccles gaff, on Shoreditch High Street (click). Missed the opening night due to work, but Jon&Mick were still there, signing books and being funny, very Jon&Mick. They’re there this weekend too. Go and see them. I walked around the exhibition on own and found self opening LOLing at old and new stuff. So much of it is very funny. Some of it is really, dreadfully funny. Much of their work is beautiful to look at too. I bought a large print of this. Gonna frame it and put in the kitchen. That red is perfect 1968 Paris uprising red.

Le Travail C’est La Merede-From the work series.

Open Plan Filth Addict (click), for example in a large print is absolutely lovely. Sort of calm and expansive. Some of the old classics have been re-printed in vibrant colours. Jon’s found out how to use an architect’s printer and made a massive long wall poster. Forget what it said but it was great. He’s into the idea of wallpapering your whole house with something mental, like a massive Space Argument or something. Some of their working models, like the beard growing picture/calendar are excellent. Of course the talking Periodic Table of Swearing is extremely popular. Visitors were making is pronounce profanities perpetually. They have proper dedicate fans. Droves of them.

Open Plan Filth Addict. Mick explained this is based on real life scenario.

There’s the boys original photo-portraits from Loaded magazine (where we all met) up on the wall introducing them, with a big question asking why they can’t draw properly. They explain that they draw in ‘real time’ to keep the flow going. Its good. The sweetest thing I observed though was how when Mick was doing signings, he writes “& Mick”, leaving Jon to just write his name. Seems Jon also signs “Jon &” when he goes first. “You’ve gotta have a strategy” Mick explained, in a matter-of-fact manner. Its a brilliant, funny and enduring &.

Decade book out now (click).

Stubbs out.